I've been in quite a funk lately. I've really been lacking in motivation, to do just about anything. I feel like I'm at a crossroad right now, and someone is hiding the map from me! I have so many decisions to make, and I don't want to make them. So, I'm avoiding. I find myself just sitting, staring into space like a crazy person, in fact, I think my husband is convinced I'm nuts. My parents, and others, have been asking what's wrong with me a lot lately. And to tell the truth, I don't really know. I'm not sure if it's just stress, or what, but these past few weeks I've just been out of it.
My parents have offered me another position at their company. This time, I'd be doing sales, from home, on my own terms. They've offered me salary plus commission, a cell phone, and insurance. They said I could still pursue Arbonne, and do both. Obviously, it's a lot more money than bartending.... so why am I not jumping at the opportunity!? I met with my dad two weeks ago, and I've yet to give him an answer. Something is holding me back, and I'm not even sure what that is. I know.... how about you all just tell me what to do!!! Then, if all goes wrong, I can blame you, instead of myself! Kidding...sort of.
To add another thing to the equation, today I auditioned for a local dinner theater. It was my first audition in almost 10 years, and I blew it. I was so nervous! I told myself to be confident, and was convinced that this would prove something...to myself, to others. But there I stood, shaking! I got through my monologue okay, but then as I started the singing portion of my audition, I began my song in the wrong key. I recovered a few bars in, but I only had 16 bars of time in the first place. "Okay," the casting director said after my song, "thanks for coming in, that's all we need to see." In other words "don't call us, we won't call you." I've been mad at myself all day. I choked under the pressure, and I'm really disappointed. Everyone's been telling me all day that I shouldn't be upset, that it was my first audition, that it was probably not as bad as I thought.... but haven't you ever known that you could have done something so much better!? That's how I feel, like I could of nailed it, but I let my fear win.
Anyway, with the audition.... and everything else going on, I'm just feeling really lost right now. It's so strange because just a few months back, I felt like I pretty much had everything in my life figured out, and now...here I am confused again. And it's not just about my career path... it's kind of everything. These past few weeks I've felt kind of zombie like. That's my natural reaction.... when I start to feel overwhelmed, I shut down. I'm not sure why I'm even so overwhelmed!
I think the truth is, that I'm scared of change. I'm scared that at this point in my life, the decisions I make will be final, and I'll settle into the rest of my life, into who I am, and who I will be. And I'm not ready yet to be defined. Does that even make sense?
Oh well, give me an hour and I'll feel fine. My mood changes on an hourly basis these days! Maybe I'm just going crazy? Hmm.... don't answer that!