Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Letters to you...
It's been quite a while since we've spoken, but I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I found the letter you wrote me. Remember the ones we wrote when we were 12? "Do not open until 2001!!!!" I kept mine, tucked away safely in a box, unopened until my 18th birthday. By that time it had been almost 2 years since I'd seen you. I read it and cried. You wrote how we had gone shopping that day, how we bought new pink lipgloss, and how we'd be "BFF's" forever. You wrote how maybe soon we'd be getting married, and how you'd be mad at me if you weren't my maid of honor!
I remember the day I first met you when we were 5 years old. We were instant friends! You were so vivacious and you taught me how to dream. We just knew we would be famous someday! I heard "I'll be There" by Mariah Carey the other day and it made me laugh. Don't you remember singing that in your back yard? You told me that a record producer lived next door, so we sang loud, knowing that if he just heard us for a moment, he would sign us immediately!! We had so much fun together, didn't we? Sometimes I still think that you're the only person who ever really, totally got me. We understood each other, though we were different in so many ways.
The last time you came to visit, we were 16, and you had changed. Sure, we were both growing up, but there was something more. You were hurting, that was clear, but you wouldn't let me in. I could see the anger in your eyes, but even then, I knew it wasn't really me you were angry with. But somehow, I also knew it was the end of us. When you got back on that plane, my friend disappeared. You quit returning my letters or my phone calls. You quit caring, I guess. I didn't.
I called around to see what you were up to over the next few years. I heard you moved out, had some boyfriend, started smoking and lost a bunch of weight. And then I heard you were pregnant. I wanted to call you, to see if you were okay, to see if I could help. And then I heard the news that changed everything for me..... that you had aborted your baby. I cried for the person you had become, and for the unborn baby that I would never meet, and then.... I didn't want to call you anymore.
Years went by, and I thought about you from time to time. I felt so much anger towards you, but also a deep sadness for where you had ended up. I started dating, got engaged, and asked another friend to be my maid of honor. I couldn't help but think that it should have been you. You were supposed to be there, standing beside me on my wedding day. I sent you an invitation, but you didn't show up.
Maybe you didn't get the emails I've sent? Maybe the letters have gotten lost? Or maybe, you just don't know what to say to me.
I saw a picture of you the other day. I hardly recognized the person staring back at me. What happened to the little girl I once knew? What happened to my best friend? Is any part of her still in there? I like to think that she is. I like to imagine that through all of these years, you've thought of me too. That you remember me, as I remember you.
You'll probably never read this letter to you, but I write anyway. I guess I just want you to know that I still think about you. I still smile when I hear Mariah Carey, when I sleep in my old Fiona Apple t-shirt, or when I see the "no fur" sticker that still hangs onto my old journal.
More than anything, I want you know that I believe in the person you once were.... and I believe in the person I hope you will be someday. More than anything, I want you know that I still love you. Because in my heart, you will always be my BFF.