I love music. I mean...really love music. I could write a soundtrack to my life so easily, because throughout the years, there have always been songs that have defined every important moment in my life.
Every time I hear a great song, I remember exactly where I was when I first heard it, and exactly how I was feeling. And it never fails to amaze me how quickly those emotions come flooding back to me, even when it's been years.
Every time I hear Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle," I think of the first time I drove by myself when I got my license. I rolled down the windows of my jeep, blasted the song, and I thought I was hot stuff! haha!
Today I was driving in my car and a song came on my ipod that I hadn't heard in a while. It brought back so many memories.... and I began to cry! Great music can always move me.
When I hear Fiona Apple's "Never is a Promise," it makes me think of my best friend of 11 years, Chelsea. We met at the age of 5 and were truly kindred spirits. We were exactly alike, we could even finish each others sentences. Still to this day I don't think I've ever had a friend who quite understood me the way that she did. We always swore that we'd be best friends forever. We'd be the maids of honor in each others weddings, that we'd be there when we had babies. Even when my family moved from Michigan back home to Kentucky, we stayed close. We ran up horrible phone bills, wrote letters, and visited each other all of the time. Unfortunately though, while I was growing up in a loving home, and having wonderful experiences, Chelsea's life was not so wonderful. The last time I went to Michigan, I could see a dark side of her. We were 15, awkward, and trying to find ourselves. We saw Fiona Apple in concert together, and cried as she sang "Never is a Promise." I was deeply moved by the song, but not like Chelsea. Chelsea was going through so much in her life that I didn't know about at the time, and the music, the lyrics, the mood of the song...seemed to touch her to the very core.
The last time she visited me, she had changed. She was no longer the light hearted person that I knew, I no longer could finish her sentences. She was depressed, lonely, and broken. She told me stories of guys, drugs, and crazy nights that seemed like something out of a movie to me. She said it all with a smile on her face, to shock me, to convince me that she was having fun. She tried to hide the cuts on her arms from me, conceal the bags under her eyes, act like everything was okay. But I knew it wasn't. I begged for her to let me help her, but she would simply look at me and say "you could never understand." It always reminded me of a line in the song.
"you say you understand, you'll never understand."
And I knew she was right. I would never understand the pain she was going through. I had never experienced abuse like she had. I was 15, and I desperately wanted her to be happy, but I didn't know how to help her. I called her everyday, wrote to her, even called her parents to let them know that she needed help. It was too late, she had already changed from the person I once knew. About a year later she quit returning my calls, quit answering my letters, and quit being my best friend. I know it wasn't because of me, she was just too sad.
I sent her an invitation to my wedding when I got married, but got no response. Part of me thought that she would be there. Even the day of, I kept thinking that she would show up, unexpected, that we would be reunited. She didn't.
The last time I saw her was about 5 years ago. We went to Michigan to visit friends and I tracked her down. We made small talk over coffee, and spoke only on the surface. After about 30 minutes, she got a phone call from some man she was living with. He was downtown and his tires had been slashed. She left, promising she would call me tomorrow.
And so, when I hear that song, I think of her, and I cry....
for the person she could have been.
for the person she could have been.
On a less depressing note:
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Okay... I think I'll go turn on some "Genie in a Bottle!"